A Random Rant by Ted A. Thompson



Ok, I've had it. I'm going to go throw up, and then stick my finger down my throat and puke again, and when I feel better, I'll tell you what's on my mind.

Of course, I'm talking about that insipid Chevy Tahoe commercial with that sneering little poem written by some idiot ad agency idler with no life, who's probably allergic to bee pollen, thinks he's Robert Frost, and hasn't got a clue. I'm going to read you the poem. I'll give credit where it's due -- the visuals are beautiful landscapes, wildflowers and waterfalls, probably computer-generated. But the rest is stunningly barf-worthy, and apparently, everyone in the world thinks it's "twuly wonderful." Everyone except me.

Set this in your imagination to some new age crap music, here we go, in my best James Garner voice:

There’s a place that I travel
When I want to roam
And nobody knows it but me.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, stop your traveling right there buddy boy. You travel a road, you travel a route, you travel a f**king astral plane, I don't care, but you don't "travel a place." That's not poetic license, it's poetic crap.

Here's some more:

The roads don’t go there
And the signs stay home
And nobody knows it but me.

Uh...excuse me? Did he just say "The signs stay home?" The f**king signs stay home? He did, he really said that. It's like...oh, I get it! Personification! That is so deep, man. Wow. You Robert Fricking Frost.


It’s far far away
And way way afar

Cool, man. Twisty, turny twavels, twisty, turney phwases. What a way with words, dude. I wuv it. It doesn't have to make sense...it's so pwetty.

It’s over the moon and the sea

Really? But how can this be? Is this more poetic license? The places I saw in the commercial were right here on earth, or so they looked to be. Maybe you meant over the moon and across the sea? But nuts, then you lose rhythm, forget it, can't sacrifice rhythm for meaning and merit, can we? Anyway, I have a hunch you might have plagiarized this part from the Kama Sutra. Tell the truth -- "Over the moon and the sea" is a sexual position, isn't it? Hey, next time, do "Around the world."


And where ever you’re going
That’s where ever you are


Whoa, whoa, man. d**n that's profound! Now I finally understand. I've found my inner self, in a Chevy commercial. My inner child, my feminine side...I'm a little girl! The tears are streaming down my face. "Where ever you're going, that's wherever you are." Why the frigging f**k did I never realize that before? It was all so simple, all along. You're my hero. Now I'm going to Burger King, and I will know in my heart that it's true, "I'm going to have a double cheese whopper and fries, and by God, there I are."

And nobody knows it but me.

That's because you're there, dumf**k.